This is not the usual stuff that I type,so no humor is intentionally a part of this post.(Any and every thing funny is purely unintended.)My primary priority/criteria for choosing my college was that it shouldn't lie in a 400 km (250 mile) range of my house.Nowhere what so ever close enough to my house that could allow me to come home before completion of a semester.Just to get to the specifics, I am around 1300 km from my house,give or take a few kilometers.(no miles this time,the number ain't round a figure worth typing)
Reason for that priority was that I didn't want to be like the home-bred fellows I saw around me.Those guys never left the comfort of their home. I DID.And I feel great about it.But just not today.
My mom called me at around 4-ish in the evening.Usual call,nothing super important....normal for me,specially as I talk to my mom about twice a day on an average.When she called,I was busy discussing a particular question my room-mate was asked during his induction to the college club he belongs to. He was unable to answer the question at the time of induction. The call came(my mom's call) somewhere between when my room-mate was midway telling me the question.So I pick up the call,half minded,hear my mom's voice,and tell her I'll call her 5 minutes from then(so that I could hear the complete question that my friend was asked,and answer that question that he couldn't and basically show him how bright I was....) Now usually,people don't think so loudly,or at least don't want any one to completely know what they think. But right now,I am dying out of guilt,feeling completely naked because of it,probably never felt so helpless..(By the way,I am still being nagged half my brain for the fact that I DID answer the question,quite literally....)
The problem,for a change is not the question,or the answer to that question.
Remember how conveniently I told my mom that I'd call her in 5 minutes?? Yeah.....I forgot to call her. But it wasn't an hour from that incident that I remembered my promise. So I called her up. She doesn't pick up.This isn't unusual,as she may be entering a train,crossing a road,just walking on the side way..anything!!! But I kept calling...(By now,I was crying already.....I am damn fucking emotional when it comes to my mom,dad or sister).I called 4 times.My desperation came from(as stupid as it may sound) the fear of losing her somehow....and that the last words that I was to hear from her was her asking me how I was doing...(Maybe I can't convey my desperation through words).4th time I called,someone picked up the call,I breathed a sigh of relief....unfortunately,it wasn't my mom.All my relief simply evaporated.It was my mom's friend.Pretty apparently, my mom had left her cellphone in the office. The friend told me that my mom had left with another friend of hers. So I somehow got hold of this other friend,told he to somehow tell my mom to call me back.
Then it is this painful wait,no clue of finding out where my mom is. The even worse part is the 1300 kilometers between our locations that make all my crying and whining absolutely frivolous.
.
.
.
Wait a second..I'm getting a call from my sister..........
Okay,now typing this further will be a problem.My mom just reached home.........Just felt that sigh of relief....my desperation is gone with the wind!
I fucking swear I will never tell my mom "I'll call you later".
My imagination runs far too deep into the forest to leave my sanity intact.
I could have easily stopped typing,closed this window,never let a soul read this, and left for my mess to have my food,the moment I knew of my mom's safe return....
But I want to keep this as a reminder of how vulnerable I can be,even as much I chose to think and feel invincible.For the past one hour,the narcissist in me had left me for good. As good as it may feel and sound.............
Now he says.........
I AM BACK!! :)
Reason for that priority was that I didn't want to be like the home-bred fellows I saw around me.Those guys never left the comfort of their home. I DID.And I feel great about it.But just not today.
My mom called me at around 4-ish in the evening.Usual call,nothing super important....normal for me,specially as I talk to my mom about twice a day on an average.When she called,I was busy discussing a particular question my room-mate was asked during his induction to the college club he belongs to. He was unable to answer the question at the time of induction. The call came(my mom's call) somewhere between when my room-mate was midway telling me the question.So I pick up the call,half minded,hear my mom's voice,and tell her I'll call her 5 minutes from then(so that I could hear the complete question that my friend was asked,and answer that question that he couldn't and basically show him how bright I was....) Now usually,people don't think so loudly,or at least don't want any one to completely know what they think. But right now,I am dying out of guilt,feeling completely naked because of it,probably never felt so helpless..(By the way,I am still being nagged half my brain for the fact that I DID answer the question,quite literally....)
The problem,for a change is not the question,or the answer to that question.
Remember how conveniently I told my mom that I'd call her in 5 minutes?? Yeah.....I forgot to call her. But it wasn't an hour from that incident that I remembered my promise. So I called her up. She doesn't pick up.This isn't unusual,as she may be entering a train,crossing a road,just walking on the side way..anything!!! But I kept calling...(By now,I was crying already.....I am damn fucking emotional when it comes to my mom,dad or sister).I called 4 times.My desperation came from(as stupid as it may sound) the fear of losing her somehow....and that the last words that I was to hear from her was her asking me how I was doing...(Maybe I can't convey my desperation through words).4th time I called,someone picked up the call,I breathed a sigh of relief....unfortunately,it wasn't my mom.All my relief simply evaporated.It was my mom's friend.Pretty apparently, my mom had left her cellphone in the office. The friend told me that my mom had left with another friend of hers. So I somehow got hold of this other friend,told he to somehow tell my mom to call me back.
Then it is this painful wait,no clue of finding out where my mom is. The even worse part is the 1300 kilometers between our locations that make all my crying and whining absolutely frivolous.
.
.
.
Wait a second..I'm getting a call from my sister..........
Okay,now typing this further will be a problem.My mom just reached home.........Just felt that sigh of relief....my desperation is gone with the wind!
I fucking swear I will never tell my mom "I'll call you later".
My imagination runs far too deep into the forest to leave my sanity intact.
I could have easily stopped typing,closed this window,never let a soul read this, and left for my mess to have my food,the moment I knew of my mom's safe return....
But I want to keep this as a reminder of how vulnerable I can be,even as much I chose to think and feel invincible.For the past one hour,the narcissist in me had left me for good. As good as it may feel and sound.............
Now he says.........
I AM BACK!! :)
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